| | ||
| July 1997 | | ||
|
|
Spiritual Friendship In some of the Theravada countries the tradition of forest monasticism stillflourishes. This style of practice, going off and living in the countryside,finding solitude and meditating alone in the wilds, is very often praised.Our teacher, Ajahn Chah, practiced in this way for many years. But in thelatter part of his life, after spending a long time travelling, meditatingand living alone, he integrated practice and teaching into the creation of aspiritual community. He had found that he could develop profound concentration andinsight, and experienced some interesting mind states when he went off intothe hills alone, but then when he would come back and stay with the othermonks, he could only cope for a little while. He would begin to lose histemper and get upset, angry and annoyed about how incompetent and uselesseverybody else was. After a few years of this, he realised that he had somelessons to learn: 'Well, it is easy for me to go and be alone and be thefierce ascetic off in the forest. What is difficult is to be with otherpeople, to learn how to spend time with others.' So he began to put himselfin that position more and more, and eventually he developed his monasteriesin that style. Often his monasteries were criticized because the monks and nunsseemed to have so little time to meditate. They were always working, andpeople seemed to have to spend so much time together: chanting together,meditating together. Many complained that this was an obstruction. Helistened and understood the criticism but was never intimidated by it. He sawthat there were profound lessons and great richness in learning to livetogether with other people. |
| In fact, it is the spiritual community or spiritual friendship that reallyholds the spiritual life together. It is interesting that of all themeditation masters in Thailand (not that one is keeping score), Ajahn Chahmanaged to establish far more monasteries than any other meditation teacher -all in all about 130-140. So it really works for ordinary human beings. Werealise that to develop in the spiritual life, we need the support ofcompanions; without that, we tend to drift or sink. There is a very often-quoted saying in the scriptures on spiritualfriendship. One day Ananda, his closest disciple, came up to the Buddha andsaid: 'Lord, I think that half of the of the Holy Life is spiritualfriendship, association with the Lovely.' And the Buddha replied: 'That's notso; say not so, Ananda. It is not half of the Holy Life, it is the whole ofthe Holy Life. The entire Holy Life is friendship, association with the Lovely.'Now, the Pali word for 'friendship with the Lovely' is kalyanamitta.'Kalyana' means 'lovely' or beautiful and 'mitta' means 'friend'. So it isoften translated as association or affiliation with the Lovely (with acapital L), being an epithet for Ultimate Reality or the Unconditioned. It is interesting that for years I always used to quote it as:'Spiritual friendship is the whole of the Holy Life', but the Buddha wasmaking a play on words - he was also saying that it is not just havingspiritual friends that is the whole of the Holy Life, but our affiliation,our intimacy with the Lovely, with the Ultimate Truth. These two support eachother. Our like-minded companions and associates in spiritual life supportour effort, but it is actually our ability to awaken to that which is trulyLovely, to the Wonderful, to Ultimate Reality - that is, in its own way, thevery fire of our spiritual life. When we say 'spiritual friendship', do we just mean the kind ofpeople we meet in Buddhist monasteries? Does the spiritual friend have tohave a shaven head? Or could it also be our husband, our wife, our life'scompanion? There are many different kinds of relationship or friendship thatwe can have. So we might wonder which ones are spiritual and which ones arenot. Can a romantic friendship be spiritual? Or does spiritual friendshiphave to be platonic? Can it be a relationship of teacher to student, or ofbrother and sister? Rather than categorising it in these ways, or trying tofigure out which styles of friendship are spiritual and which are not, it ismuch more important to look at the basis of that relationship and ourapproach towards it. Relationships, I would suggest, fall into two basiccategories. In one kind of relationship we tend to relate to the other personwith a sense of separateness, in the other we relate with a sense ofwholeness. |
| The relationship of separateness hinges on a profound sense of 'me' and'you', of 'self' and 'other', and that is something very concrete, solid. Wealways look to the other person to fulfil a need that we have, due to afeeling of something lacking in ourselves; and that other person seems tofill that space. So this kind of relationship or friendship has a quality ofdependency in it. We need the other person to be around in order to supportus, to make us feel good; or we may even need to have the other person aroundto be an enemy - a good protagonist that we can struggle with! We may have a very intense, profound relationship when we're in lovewith someone and we experience very blissful times, a sense of wholeness orcompleteness. But these times also entail feelings of desolation and loss, ofloneliness and separation. Even a strong friendship, such as with a teacheror a helper with whom we meditate or share a profound understanding of eachother's innermost world, may disappoint us in this way. As long as thatrelationship is based on a sense of 'me' and a sense of 'you', and thatpolarity is not recognised, there will always be pain and loss in it. An incident is described in the scriptures when Visakha goes to theLord Buddha one morning, having just come from the funeral for one of hergrandchildren. Visakha was one of the Buddha's great disciples. She had tensons and ten daughters, and each of those had ten sons and ten daughters. Soshe was surrounded by an ocean of grandchildren, and she adored them. TheLord Buddha saw that her hair and her clothes were all wet, and he asked herwhy. 'Lord, a dear and beloved grandchild of mine has died, that is why I havecome here in broad day with my clothes and hair all wet.' 'Visakha, would you like to have as many children and grandchildren asthere are people in the whole city of Savatthi?' (the local capital) 'Yes indeed, Lord.' She replied. 'But Visakha, how many people die each day in Savatthi?' 'Ten people die in a day in Savatthi, Lord, or nine or eight...or threeor two or at least one. Savatthi is never without people dying.' 'Then what do you think, Visakha, if you had as many children andgrandchildren as there are people in Savatthi, you would be attendingfunerals for your offspring every day. Would you ever be with your clothesand hair not wet?' 'No Lord - enough of so many children and grandchildren for me!' Then he said: 'Those who have a hundred dear ones have a hundred pains..'(Udana VIII 8) The ones who are dear to us, that attachment that we have towardsthem, this is beautiful and lovely but it also brings us pain. It carries asting with it, a shadow, and this is unavoidable. If we invest in the delightof such association then, when there is separation, we cannot avoid feelingloss. So, a spiritual friendship of this type will always have this slightlyunbalanced quality to it. Now, on the other side, what I like to call a relationship ofwholeness, is where our association with another person is based not aroundthe sense of self at all. Instead, it is based on an attitude ofrelinquishment, of unselfishness; of openness rather than neediness. |  |
| This can be consciously developed in various ways. One such way is throughdevotional practice towards an idealised figure, such as Buddha, God, Jesus,Krishna or whoever it might be; or some living person, such as a guru. Thatact of self-relinquishment, of giving oneself in devotion to a divine figure,works by the power of one's faith in the divinity of the person and theirpresence. This forms an important bond between oneself and the other. Bygiving oneself up completely to the Divine, whether it is internal orexternal, whether we create an object for it or we relate to a person whoexhibits divine qualities, we can bring about a truly spiritual relationship.As the mind opens to that, we begin to internalise the qualities that theyembody. We develop an inner joy and release from within our own being,without creating a state of unwholesome dependence. Last weekend we had a conference of contemplatives here, with manyChristian nuns and monks of different orders, as well as some Hindus andSufis attending. It was interesting talking with them because, whereasBuddhists are quite unusual in practising a non-theistic religion, most othertraditions have a very strong God-figure that occupies the focus of theirattention. The whole manner of their prayers, liturgy and religiousexpression is created around devotion to God; giving yourself to God, prayingto God, or giving up your heart to Jesus, Mary or Krishna. It was apparent that the more you practise in this way the more yousee Krishna or God, not only on the outside, but also on the inside. Youbegin to find yourself through this process of self-relinquishment in acomplete, pure identification with that divine figure. In Sufi mysticalpoetry they often refer to Ultimate Reality. Their traditional verses moveback and forth between sounding like love-songs describing a passionateaffair, and the relationship between the individual and the Divine. We cansee in some of the Sufi poetry the whole process of spiritual practice endsup with the realisation that we ourselves are 'The Beloved'. There never wasany real difference or separation between myself, as an apparent individual,and the Divine or God or Ultimate Reality. The other way of developing this relationship of wholeness is throughthe path of meditation and wisdom. Using this approach, we become more awareof how we create the sense of 'self'. By letting go very directly of thesense of 'I' and 'me' and 'mine' in our daily activity, we engage in aprocess of self-relinquishment, without any external object, being or deityto empower or to strengthen us. Just by inquiry, contemplation and insight -using the power of the mind - we break through the sense of 'self', allowingthe mind and the heart to be fully opened to the Truth. A friendship or relationship that is developed in this way bringswith it a freedom from dukkha - incompleteness and dissatisfaction. If werelate in this way, letting go of 'self' and dropping the feeling of 'I' and'me' and 'mine', the experience of being together is one of delight, ofpleasantness, rather than neediness. There is no sense of insecurity,alienation or loneliness in the relationship and so there is a tremendousfreedom. We can enjoy each other's company and be supported by each other,but we are not requiring it. It is the same in a spiritual training, where wemust be careful not to become dependent on the teacher; likewise, a trueteacher will not need the admiration or attention of their students. There is a whole culture nowadays of blaming our problems in life onour 'dysfunctional' family or on a dysfunctional relationship. We can findourselves locked into a relationship where we can neither love the otherperson, nor can we leave them. We are, to use another current term,'co-dependent'. The relationship is very destructive: we can't live withthem, and we can't live without them. If we try to establish a spiritual friendship without any realunderstanding of spiritual beauty, or Truth, then it will always end up beingdysfunctional and co-dependent; but if we try to live with an awareness of oran intimacy with Truth, without any spiritual companions or support, we veryeasily lose our way. Neither approach will bring good results. The twosupport each other and it is just this symbiosis that, ideally, the four-foldcommunity of Buddhist disciples symbolises and embodies. Laymen, laywomen,nuns and monks, as spiritual community, can empower the opportunity forinsight into Truth. Even though many of us like to be alone, we can find it difficult touse such an opportunity fully. I often feel it is rather like Ajahn Chah'sexperience: he liked to be alone, he could enjoy himself being off in theforest without anyone to bother him, but it was the monastic form within acommunity lifestyle that he used to train his monks and nuns. In communitylife spiritual maturity, that quality of true independence, is put to thetest. Regardless of what the world throws at us, there has to be the effortto sustain an equilibrium; we have to open ourselves up to the points of viewand feelings of others, and yet sustain an inner integrity, so that we don'twobble, crumple or sink. I am always impressed by those who maintain theirspiritual life and practice far away from other people. It takes tremendousstrength to develop a real penetration of Truth, and there may only be ahandful of people that can do it on their own without support. Certainly, for myself, I deeply value coming across the Sangha. Istarted my vague attempts at spiritual practice as a teenager; by the time Iwas twenty-one I was in a profound mess. It was then that I visited a branchof this monastic community in Thailand. What really impressed me there washow powerful a presence that group of people had. Simply knowing on my ownthat it would be a good thing for me to meditate and practice yoga, or tostop drinking and smoking did not have the same impact in helping me to breakmy habits, and to resist the influence of social norms. I just did not havethe clarity of mind to sustain a true and honest spiritual perspective. Butsuddenly, being in a place where people had given up all the things that Iwas trying to give up, and were doing all the things that I was trying to do,it felt rather like having been lost in the wilderness and then stepping ontoa bus that was heading in the right direction. At last I did not have tostruggle on my own. From an idealistic position one could say: 'It's better to do it onyour own; that's the way to be strong.' But for most of us it's very easy tobe fooled, to follow our own desires and fears and to be dishonest withourselves. Living amongst like-minded people provides a great mirror to seeour own preferences, our own fears and shortcomings. One of the great blessings of giving oneself to a spiritualcommunity, or even to a standard of spiritual teachings, is the objectivemeasure we receive for the conditioning of our own mind; it is like watchingthe habits of the mind being projected onto a screen, rather than justfollowing them around and never really seeing them. We are given the chanceto stand back from them and to see what we always run away from, what we arealways being pulled towards, what we seek as a place of comfort and safety,what makes us feel good or bad. That kind of objectivity enables us to stopbeing impressed by our thoughts or moods; once we can see things as they are,we are able to witness the movements of the mind and we are then able totranscend them. This year I learnt the word, 'schmoozing', 'to schmooze'; I think itis a Yiddish word. It means to hang out with your friends, and chat and drinktea, doing nothing very much, just having a good time together. To schmoozeis a very admirable and useful activity, and I'm not being facetious here. Itis amazing how often people who are interested in spiritual practice come toa centre like this monastery, and listen to a talk or do a retreat and, assoon as it is over, everyone goes home. Sometimes you go to Buddhist groupsfor years, and you find that the people in the group hardly know each other.But part of developing our spiritual life is to spend time with each other,to generate a sense of respect and gratitude for each other's interests andcommitment to spiritual values; not to just think: 'The talk is over, nowit's time to go home.' or, 'The retreat is finished, now I'll go off, I'vegot this and that to do.' Through getting to know those who delight in the Buddha's teaching wecreate a connection with them; we establish a support system. This iskalyanamitta, the network of spiritual friendship. This is what reallyenables us as a human society to hold together. Political agreements don'twork, laws don't work; it is our ability to strengthen and affirm ourqualities of inner beauty, of kindness and generosity, and to encourage thosein others - that's what enables human beings to live in a wholesome andprofitable way. In spiritual friendship, we can actually be with each other. We openourselves to the other person, ready to notice any grudges that we have, orthe opinions and obsessions we have about them, as well as the attractionstowards them. Then we can enter more into the place of listening, offorgiving, of letting go of the past and just being open to the present. Andthis is the most wonderful and beautiful gift we can give. |
